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The Adventures of Pennsylvania Jeff

Episode 2: PA Jeff Screams Too

Part 2

..........it was a complete set of FALSE TEETH--uppers & lowers!!!!

Now of course everybody wanted to know what the hell I was screaming about and I just stammered & pointed.  Reptaro brought a light over & looked (why didn't I do that?) in the pocket & let out a good "Oh Man!".  At this point I figured that this was no longer an abandoned campsite--it's a crime scene. I could accept the left-behind gear (it was new, but cheap stuff), the clothes, the shoes, but who goes wandering around without their TEETH. Ughhh I touched a convicts false teeth with my bare left hand--not even a cycling glove between me & them. It was the creepiest sensation since I shook the three-fingered hand of  Homeless Guy Bob (coincidence?). It was agreed that we needed to get the hell out of there, so we tossed everything in the dismantled tent and took off.  No booty, but another interesting tale of mountainbike weirdness, and one of my all time best screams, of course, there have been many......

I scream a lot on rides.   Sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of pain.  On the epic Lost Crusade disaster (I mean ride), I did a bee-just-stung-me-where -my-bathing-suit-goes-scream because a bee really did sting me where my bathing suit goes.  He got me right in the middle of my right butt-cheek (I didn't even feel him draw the bulls-eye).  We had just had a run in with a huge black rattlesnake blocking the trail, so when I let out the scream, Reptaro thought I had been bitten, but he laughed anyway.  Crashes & falls are good resources for screams as well. I might scream before the crash (fear) or after (pain), but I usually follow with a string of "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK".   It's always good when you really are OK because then you can laugh with everyone else at what an idiot you are.  If you take yourself seriously, then no one else will, but then again, who cares what the bastards think.

My best all-time scream was probably in Asheville, NC. Reptaro & I headed south to visit the recently relocated Power-Yankee and his chick, Martha Stewart. Actually we went there to ride & get away from NEPA (that's North-East PA).  The scream didn't occur on one of the rides but in the middle of the night. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but as near as I can tell I was sleeping on the living room floor having some bizarre dream where spiders were constructing a fence of some kind with yellow thumbtacks & string when (I think) Battle Cat brushed his tail against my face & I totally freaked out.  I grabbed my flashlight & jumped up in one move and was screaming "STRING!!! the STRING  Snakes WHERE!!!".  Reptaro was sleeping on the futon nearby and laughed for a solid hour, & then chuckled for another 45 minutes.  I still blame the cat--and that beef barbecue stew from the night before.  Even though the scream didn't happen on a ride, it happened on a ride trip, so I think it still counts. The point of all this?

Mountainbike rides are a scream---especially when you're doing it right.


We never did find out what happened to Toothless Convict Bob. Someone was supposed to call the authorities & let them know what we found but never did. A couple of weeks later we checked the site again & everything was gone.

Coming soon:  Pennsylvania Jeff and the Trail of Doom!

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"BITE ME" Cue Sheet Holder

This is one of  the most bizaar cycling products we've ever seen.  No joke--this thing is for real--but be warned, it doesn't have the
M*M*M* Seal of Reproval just yet.






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